Recently, I have been having a lot of conversations surrounding friendships with my girls. In the solace of my dorm room, we talk for hours on hours about our college experience with friendships. I talked about finding comfort in my female friendships in a previous blog post.
As an extrovert, I find myself meeting more new people every day, and while a large part of me enjoys meeting them, I believe a larger part of me finds it increasingly harder to trust others. Now, I am no professional on friendships but I do have 20 years of experience from forming both, awful and beautiful connections.
To make it easier for you to recognize a toxic friendship, here are five signs that you might need to re-evaluate and establish new boundaries with your friends.
Beware of a friend who one ups you.
True friendship is built on mutual support and celebration of each other's accomplishments, but a friend who is constantly trying to outdo you may be hiding self-doubt or a competitive attitude. Instead of a persistent demand for affirmation or superiority, healthy relationships are founded on equality and respect for one another's accomplishments.
2. Sorry Not Sorry?
Sincere apologies promote honesty in the area of friendship. However, some people find it difficult to show true sorrow, which impedes the bond's maturation. Without genuine apologies, the fabric of friendship may tear, putting the relationship's strength to the test. Mistakes are common in friendships, especially with someone you've known for a long time. However, if your friend refuses to apologize or accept responsibility for their wrongdoing, it becomes difficult to trust them. This lack of accountability may manifest itself in apologies like "I'm sorry you're offended" or "I'm sorry that my actions hurt you but it is not on me entirely..." A genuine apology should highlight the other person's feelings rather than becoming an argument.
3. Little White Lies
We're not going to be naive goody-two-shoes and claim that all liars are bad. Because in reality, we all do lie at some point. Sometimes we lie to escape an unpleasant topic or scenario; other times, we lie to protect the sentiments of others. But some people take it too far. It's a red sign if you discover someone is lying about important issues or dumb, status-related things that indicate they're more concerned with appearances than genuine.
4. Boundaries? What's that?
Mutual respect for one another's limits develops trust and understanding in true friendships. When friends fail to respect your boundaries, it can strain your connection. Open communication and a willingness to accept and respect each other's limits characterize healthy friendships. Ignoring or ignoring these boundaries may cause anxiety and inhibit the formation of a strong, long-lasting relationship. Such challenges must be handled honestly in order to have a decent and respectful relationship.
5. It is now OUR trauma...
We have all at some point fallen victim to the fried who will just make EVERYTHING about themselves. These are the classic "You have depression? I have depressive disorder!". These friends won't ever stop talking about themselves, and will not listen when you have something fruitful or important to share. In all their narratives, they are the victim and they can not seem to take your mental health into account when they start ranting. They aren't just inconsiderate, they take every opportunity they can get to dump unsolicited trauma onto you.
Reflecting on the complexities of friendships, I've understood the critical need of identifying and treating harmful behaviors. From the dangers of jealousy to the importance of genuine apologies, from the impact of small white lies to the importance of respecting boundaries, and finally, the red flag of a friend who consistently makes everything about themselves—these indicators provide valuable insights into the health of our relationships.
May these thoughts lead me in developing connections that elevate and enhance my life as I continue to traverse the maze of friendships.